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Day 12

So tired. Feel like I never really woke up today. Did Monday even actually happen? I lazed around the house, went to work until 9:30, and then met up with OOIL and had a beer and a sandwich. It was all fine, and it was all seen through a haze of "holy cow, why am I so tired?". I'm going to blame the time change. Curse you, springing forward!

However, I do feel like I was a normal member of America today. Went to work, met up at a bar with current object of lust. If I was less tired, I would be quite pleased with this day.

So all right. Sleep tiemz nao.

Day 11

I realize I missed day 10, but I'm going to excuse it by saying that I didn't get home until almost 5 a.m. last night after having been out most of the day. Why, might one ask, did I not return home until nearly dawn (although with the time change, it was only 4:00 on the old time)? Glad you asked me that question!

After attending a party for Bestest's brother-in-law's 40th birthday (open bar and free bowling, woo!), I met up with OOIL. We hit up a 24 hour restaurant that we favor, and after talking about various subjects for an hour or so, he suddenly segues into "So, intellectually, do you think we'd make a good couple?". I, charmingly, choked on my coffee.

I'll spare a detailed recap of the entire conversation, as it mainly consisted of me stammering, only being able to say parts of sentences, stammering some more, and obsessively fiddling with a pen/fork/cream packets. I am a treat. What the entire conversation essentially boiled down to, however, was this:

1. OOIL and his girlfriend (What to call her? Perhaps "the GF" will do. Unoriginal, but to the point.) are taking a break. They're not broken up, and they're not seeing other people. He explained it as a "separation". See how it goes.

2. After deciding this with the GF, he turned around and said "Well fuck it, I'm talking to ruffian_lust".

3. We have established that we are mutually interested in and attracted to one another. This attraction was referred to as "subtext" for the entire course of the conversation, as once I figured out that he was talking about what I THOUGHT he was talking about, I responded with "Oh, you're talking about the subtext underlying our friendship. I thought we were just going to ignore that forever."

4. We also established that, whatever our subtext may be, it's going to have absolutely no bearing on what happens with him and the GF. This is entirely as it should be, and I was planning on pointing it out to him if he didn't bring it up first. OOIL and the GF are a separate issue and a separate relationship to be determined. Our subtext has absolutely no impact on that. (Or so we are going to claim. I'm not sure it can have NO impact, because socially I believe that lots of things are interconnected. But as little impact as humanely possible.)

5. We discussed that even if OOIL and the GF should choose to break up permanently, our subtext might not be a good thing to act on anyway. I might be moving to another state come fall, should he get into another relationship after just getting out of a 5 year one, should he get into a relationship with someone who has several similar personality traits to the GF (we seem to have a lot in common), do I want to be involved with a person who gets very interested in another girl WHILE in a 5 year relationship (never mind that the girl is me - it's a dangerous precedent), and also, what the hell is up with his inappropriate lusting after his married friend? Plenty of reasons that, despite our subtext, it might not be a good idea. (Although I do feel that the fact that we can bring up these issues up front in conversation is a good thing. If you can't talk about something, you're giving it power.)

6. We also discussed how we are, in fact, both crazy people who way over-think things and obsess about realities that might not even come to be. How else can you account for the fact that we've both thought of this list of potential problems when he's committed to someone else and the possibility of dating is slim in the extreme? We've both, apparently, already thought about what other cities we might live in, how our families would get along, etc. And we both referenced this xkcd as perfectly illustrating how we feel about the whole situation: It's a miracle neither of us crashed through a window.

So there we have it. It took several hours to cover these few points (I did an excessive amount of stammering), but I'm happy that we at least opened the topic up for discussion. I would have hated to have left it all unsaid forever.

Also, as we were leaving the restaurant and paying our bill around 2:30 (before we drove around for an hour or so, continuing the conversation) he turned to me and said "So, the subtext." To which I replied "Yes, the subtext." And then we heard behind us "Ah! The subtext!" We turned as one to find some drunk guy eavesdropping on our conversation, seemingly fascinated by the subtext. We laughed helplessly. So, thanks Drunk Guy! You dissolved the tension nicely when we needed you.

Woo. Things is happening. Today I just kind of bummed around, hung out with Bestest, spent some time with my brother. Processed what happened yesterday. It was a nice, quiet day that I believe I needed. Tomorrow I'm working, so back to the grindstone. Still. The game is afoot. It's nice to have things happening.

Day 9

I need to find something productive to do with my time, because this sulking, feeling useless, and occasionally bursting into tears is getting old.

OOIL was just telling me about some fun stuff that happened during his show tonight, and I am SO JEALOUS. Just...I feel like it's eating me. I feel like crying. I'm pretty much about to cry. He did a show, where it was apparently "ass grabbing Thursday". And I....did my taxes. Which, while important, can't really compare. I hate feeling this miserable. I like to be happy. I WANT to be happy. But it's the same issue cropping up over and over again - I'm bored, I miss the theatre, and I miss the socialization that comes with the theatre. And it's hard, having a friend who is smack dab in the middle of everything I'm missing so much right now. It would be unfair to unload all of these negative emotions on him - it's wrong to rain on his parade just because I'm so soul-crushingly jealous.

I'm also rather frustrated that the majority of my lenten writings seem to be "This is wrong, that is wrong, this is terrible, I feel awful". This is not me, and this is not how I view the world. I need to come up with some kind of action plan for my life for the next few months, until I can go to school. Something that can, if not fill the void of theatre, at least dull the ache.

Day 8

Good things that happened today: went to work, got booked for two more days of work this month (one at each job -oh, the joys of subbing), deposited my check from the Federal Government (with it's extra Magical Money! I love it when you get 300 dollars from the universe you didn't know you were getting - thanks stimulus!), had an interesting conversation about employment, economics, and what makes something funny/creative with OOIL, had a great dinner with my parents, was contacted by my college roommate whom I miss very much, and had the opportunity to have a lazy evening.
Not good things that happened today: The fact that U of M didn't give me any merit awards finally hit me. I got the e-mail two days ago, but was too busy doing other things to process it. Today I re-read the e-mail and suddenly realized "Oh shit. No money. No scholarship".

Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm more upset about the practical implications of not getting a merit scholarship to graduate school or the blow to my ego. I mean, I'm smart. I had good grades. I have great letters of rec. I'm pretty sure I turned out a decent essay. What went wrong, exactly? The last time I applied to school for undergrad, I got scholarships from every institution that I applied to. Have I lost my edge? Are there that many people who are just plain smarter than me? Am I, perhaps, overconfident about my intellectual abilities? This is rather disturbing, but also annoying that I can't sort out my feelings about the school from my feelings of ego bruising. If this is the school I want, then I need to work my butt off to find another way to get there. If what I'm really upset about is my pride? Then I should put my energy into another school.

Day 7

I was reflecting today on touch, and how vitally important it is. I realize that this is a well known fact - humans need to be touched. Everyone knows this. I know this. But sometimes, it really take me by surprise. I went to get a pedicure with Bestest today, and I found it entirely wonderful. I had never allowed myself something so ridiculous and frivolous and girly before, and while I still think it's a completely unnecesary service, I can see how people get addicted to it. Pedicures are WONDERFUL. A complete stranger touches your feet and rubs lotions on you and does your nails. The touch, on your feet (where I, at least, don't tend to be touched) feels wonderful. I found myself craving it. The attention, which I've always found fun when getting a haircut, was even better with the pedicure. It makes me realize that, while I hug and am hugged by my Mother on a daily basis, I really don't touch other people very much. I feel like I might have a "touch me on pain of death and other perils" field that I set up around myself, unconsciously. I know my body language can sometimes give that off. I think, should I ever start dating anyone seriously, that I may find myself drunk on touch. Intoxicated with touch. High on touch. It might be too much. But oh, it sounds so wonderful to me now.

The flip side of this is that I feel almost embarrassed admitting to people that I got a pedicure today. It's just so frivolous. It's the middle of winter for crying out loud, who's going to see my feet! And also...who cares? I don't even especially care how my feet look. I really enjoyed it, but more for the human contact benefit (and also the vibrating chair and the mini foot jacuzzi - how cool is that?). I don't make that much money, and I have no reason to get a pedicure. I feel a little shameful about. I realize that this is ridiculous. It's no one's business but my own, and I'm very frugal in every other respect. I do find it interesting that doing traditionally girly things hits my shame button a little bit. I'm going to have to watch that.

Day 6

Bestest came over and was a warrior today. She helped remove my "I have so many projects, aiee!" paralysis and got me to finish my room. I'm so lucky to have a fabulous friend like her. She really does drive me to be a better person.

Went out with OOIL after his rehearsal tonight. We talked about what he'd wanted to tell me on Saturday, mainly that he and girlfriend had had another relationship talk. A tearful one, this time. It sounds like she's really stressing out about this, while he is...not so much. Emboldened by my one beer and feeling truthful, I finally told him what I really thought about all this. Namely, that it sounded to me like he'd already made his decision and that he was just putting it off because their breakup was going to be painful and terrible. He did not deny it, and in fact pretty much agreed with me. I don't actually expect that this will spur him to actually DO anything about it, indecisive twit that he is, but it felt fantastic for me, personally, to finally get that off my chest. I now feel like I have done my best duty as a friend - told him the truth.

At the same time, I feel like a terrible, horrible hypocrite. Yes, I think that my opinion is as objective as it can be, but considering that my own interests are backed up by this opinion, how un-self serving can it really be? He really needs to talk to someone who has absolutely no stake in how this all turns out. I'm trying to be the best friend that I can, but I feel like I'm failing. Miserably.

However! Tomorrow should be a glorious day, as Bestest and I are going to get pedicures. I have never indulged in something so patently girly and frivolous before, but this was the reward that we set up for ourselves when we got jobs. We are now both gainfully employed and it is time to collect. Hurrah!!!

Day 5

All right, I missed day 4, but I have a sort of valid excuse. I worked until 6:45, ran home, scarfed some raisin bran, hopped in the car, and went to see OOIL's play. Afterwards, we went to a bar and then to a restaurant, and I didn't get home until almost two, still rather tipsy and exhausted. (but happy!) All in all, it was a great night. The show (West Side Story) was better than I thought it would be, considering it was a production of a show I don't even especially like. And I had my bestest with me, so we uniformly mocked the mockable parts and generally kept one another entertained. I had a grand time.

Afterwards was Bestest's first time meeting OOIL, and I must say I think it went rather well. It wasn't too awkward until the end, when we were all pretty tired. Bestest claims to like OOIL, and OOIL claims to like Bestest. I'm calling it a win. OOIL was even more touchy feely and forward than usual last night, plus he said there was some stuff he wanted to talk to me about. I take this to mean that OOIL and his girlfriend have had another difficult relationship conversation. The last time this happened, he was also rather more clingy toward me. We never got to talk about it because of the presence of Bestest, but I'm interested to see what it ends up being. Inapropriate lusting aside, I do think they'd be better off broken up. She's ready to settle down, he is so not. He's told me on two occasions that in regards to their relationship he's always had "one foot out the door". My impression is that they sort of fell into it. I don't doubt that they love each other, because it's obvious that they do. And they're very close friends, in addition to having been together for 5 years. Basically, their break-up is going to suck giant donkey balls for both of them. But she knows what she wants, and I think she's a little too smart for him. He's still got so much stuff to figure out, and is so paralyzed when he thinks about the future. I fully expect nothing to happen between us no matter what, but I do hope that they don't drag this out too long. It's going to be so painful for them...but if you don't know if you want to marry a person after 5 years, I'm not sure if you're ever going to.

Also, the inapropriate lusting is still going strong. But I'm dealing with it. So far.

Today was rather difficult. This incredibly bitchy woman came into work, 15 minutes late for her massage, and between her bitchiness and my naive incompetence we created a giant mess. A mess that I was not able to clean up before leaving today, alas. I realize that it's not a HUGE deal, but I feel guilty for leaving loose ends that tomorrow's receptionists need to deal with. As if they don't have enough to do already. Mom says that I am, perhaps, far too over invested in how what I do impacts other people. Normally I believe that this would be considered a good thing, but she thinks I feel worse about it than the situation calls for. It's entirely possible that she's right. I do have an over-developed social contract sometimes. But what's the alternative?

Day 3

The stuff clearing out goes on. I think I've hit a wall, and if I can now get everything cleaned up will be happy with my progress. Having the mess is driving me a little bit nuts.

I'm feeling very ambivalent about this coming summer. I feel like I really, really want to do OSF this summer. I want to do a show, at least. And I've got the best chance of being able to there, because I think the directors will be the most willing to make allowances for my Saturday work schedule. I mean, they like me. It might mean taking smaller parts, but I think they want me enough to work with me on that. I hope. But at the same time, it's just so far. I don't really want to set myself up for the driving anxiety fest that it was last summer. Coping with that level of anxiety just made me completely miserable - it drowned out any fun I might have been having doing Hamlet. If the best of all possible worlds worked out, and I could swing all morning shifts at my job, get some fun parts in the OSF season, and my OOIL also did the season, then it might be a blast. OOIL and I could car-pool, which would take some of the pressure off driving, and I know we'd have a really good time. But there are so many factors that could go wrong, thus not resulting in the optimal situation. He doesn't get in. He gets in, but we have such different parts that we're never called to rehearsal at the same time, thus negating the usefulness of any car pooling. Etc. I realize that this is about 3 months away, but the time to worry about it is coming up, as March tends to be the month of auditions and commitments. I'm just not entirely sure what I WANT to happen. I do know, however, that something NEEDS to happen. Oy. Life.

On a fannish note, Holy Crap, BSG! I am utterly failing to see how this is all going to be wrapped up in 3 more episodes. We still don't know what the hell is up with Starbuck. It's looking almost certain, however, that Daniel the seventh cylon is her Dad. And remember that time when Lee used to be on this show? We haven't seen him for a while. I miss Lee. And BOOMER. No, bad Boomer! Stealing people's children and having sex with other people's husbands and being mean to the Chief. I can forgive lots of things, but being mean to the Chief is not one of them. Ack. Is it next Friday yet? No? How bout' now?

Day 2

Existential Ennui and Cosmic Boredom continued today. After spending some time feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do a "clear out" - I feel entirely burdened by my excess of stuff, and it's time to get rid of some of it. I know that I won't miss anything if I can make myself give it up - I won't even necessarily recall that I had it in the first place. This is progressing with moderate success - I am managing to ascribe sentimental value to just about everything. On the plus side, areas that have not been disturbed in years (and how sad is it that some piles of stuff have not been disturbed in time measurements large enough to encompass YEARS. Ack) are getting a good clean up, and I have officially declared war on the dust bunnies. While they are multiplying every time I turn my back (like tribbles), I believe my persistence shall win the day. Currently my room is torn to pieces, but I hope to bring it under some kind of order tomorrow, after I've had some sleep.

Now here's the funky part. Ennui occurred during the parts of the day that I spent talking to my Object of Inappropriate Lust. During the morning and early afternoon, ennui. Then my best friend came over, so I ditched OOIL (acronyms for all!) for her. Hung out for a few hours, took a shower, went to dinner with my Mother, spent some time with her and Dad. And during that time, I started feeling better. Then around 11:30, OOIL called me. And wow, now I feel TERRIBLE again. Clearly, this points to part of my existential ennui being linked to the frustration of the OOIL. But why is this, when just on Tuesday talking to/hanging out with OOIL filled me with girlish glee? I'm not entirely sure I understand the depths of my psyche - but this bears watching.

Lent

Rather than giving something up for Lent, I usually prefer to do something additive. This year, I've decided to journal a bit every day. Just write and post something, doesn't matter what.

Luckily for me, I can start off Ash Wednesday with a doozy. I had a rough day - nothing negative happened, and I got to spend time with someone I care a lot about who has been very busy lately. Why, then, was it a rough day? Great question. For whatever reason, I felt very depressed today. This is not a state of being with which I am very familiar. I have a generally very positive outlook, and (if there is a choice) prefer to be happy. Why, then, would I feel so lousy today without any kind of (as a friend of mine says) "proximal stimulus"? I can only guess that this has been building for a while.

The truth is, I'm bored. Really, cosmically, existentially bored. I have no show going on. I needed to make getting some sort of money-paying job my priority before committing to a show that might interfere with the job. Well, congratulations, as of two and a half weeks ago I managed to become employed. The problem? The hours I'm working are in no way theatre friendly. And I directly told my boss that I wasn't going to do any more theatre. It was the right answer - I'm almost 100% positive that she wouldn't have hired me otherwise. And there certainly weren't any other jobs on the horizon. It's more important for me to make money right now.

And yet....and yet...it's difficult to give up something that gives me that much joy. I know I've previously journaled about how stressed out doing some shows makes me, and that can be true. But there's a very fun show, close to my house, that I know would have been a blast that I had to give up. And I'm concerned that I won't be able to do the Shakespeare Festival this summer, which would be quite a blow. I know it's only till August - then I'll be off at school and this limbo period of my life will be over for now. But I can't stand the idea that I will have no measurable accomplishments till then. Making money, in of itself, is not an accomplishment. It feels like wasted time. Plus, my job is boring. It's exactly what I was looking for - undemanding, not requiring a lot of energy. But I wanted a job like that so that I would have the energy for OTHER THINGS. Like, for instance, the theatre. To have a boring job, and then to have no other things on which to use my brains and energy, is stultifying. It makes me feel trapped and small and diminished.

There is a slight hope - one of the other receptionists lifeguards during the summer, so it's possible that I could swing all opening shifts if she lifeguards in the morning for the summer. That would open me up to be able to do the Shakespeare, at least. And I could live with that. If I knew that I had shows coming up...it would give me hope. Something to look forward to. And, also, it would give me a chance to spend some serious time with someone upon whom I have an unhealthy fixation. Which I realize should go in the "cons" category, but as the person with the unhealthy fixation it's certainly feeling like a "pro" to me. It's a slim hope, and possibly a not very realistic one, but I need it right now. I need that hope to get me through till August, when I feel like my life is going to resume from where it's been on hold for the past two years. I hope.