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As it's been two years since I have recorded anything in this journal, I thought that I'd check in to give a brief update. I've found re-reading my previous posts to me very rewarding, reminding me of thoughts and feeling about which I'd already forgotten. So for the sake of chronicling the mundane, here it goes:

1. Object of Inappropriate Lust is now known as Boyfriend. We've been together for two and a half years. He is now in graduate school at an Ivy Leauge University getting his Phd, and I moved with him and am the webmaster for an American Art retailer. It's not my dream job - I've had my Masters in Library Science for a year, but have been unable to secure library employment in the town to which I moved with Boyfriend. (Or even, um, get an interview. It's been fairly disheartening.) I tell myself that I'm lucky to have employment in this crappy economy, that library budgets are being cut left and right, and that at least in this job I get to employ my html knowledge and learn other web skills. Plus, I've been trained in product photography so that I can take photos of our stock to put on the site - nice training to have.

2. Bestest and I are no longer in contact. We lived together during grad school, which turned out to be a mistake. I could write a novel about how sad this makes me, and how angry I still am. I'd seen her be pretty mean to other people, but I never thought that she'd do it to me. My willing blindness to this made grad school a pretty miserable year (with help from the actual library program, which was dissapointing. But hey, I've got a degree!). She's doing well though - she's got a job now that's at least tangentially related to libraries, and she's getting married next October. I wish her all the best.

3. My anxiety finally got so bad that I got back on medication. The conjunction of the Celexa, counseling, and my life finally settling down has allowed me to get a handle on the anxiety - I'm no longer in counseling, but know that I can go back anytime that I need to. It is such a profound relief - one that I need to be more grateful for in my day to day life. I'm so non-anxious that it takes a bad bout of anxiety to remind me how it used to be. I can forget about it for weeks at a time. That never would have happened before - my anxiety was such an overwhelming presence that it made itself known to me hourly.

4. I miss my family. The town to which I moved is a college town, very liberal with a healthy supply of hippies. I love the atmosphere, and the emphasis on local foods and sustainable living. It is, however, a pretty small town surrounded by miles and miles of farmland. It's great when the weather is nice - several nearby state parks, the community gardens that I'm active in, swimming holes, gorges, the best farmer's market that I've ever seen, etc. But when the weather turns cold, it is as depressing as hell. There's almost nothing to do that is a)outside of my apartment and b)indoors and c) doesn't involve buying something. (I'm sorry, "going to the mall" is not a day's activity for me. Do I need something? No? Then why am I going shopping?) It's times like this that I miss my family the most. And I still cry every time we leave them after a visit.



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December 2011
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