?

Log in

Catch-Up

As it's been two years since I have recorded anything in this journal, I thought that I'd check in to give a brief update. I've found re-reading my previous posts to me very rewarding, reminding me of thoughts and feeling about which I'd already forgotten. So for the sake of chronicling the mundane, here it goes:

1. Object of Inappropriate Lust is now known as Boyfriend. We've been together for two and a half years. He is now in graduate school at an Ivy Leauge University getting his Phd, and I moved with him and am the webmaster for an American Art retailer. It's not my dream job - I've had my Masters in Library Science for a year, but have been unable to secure library employment in the town to which I moved with Boyfriend. (Or even, um, get an interview. It's been fairly disheartening.) I tell myself that I'm lucky to have employment in this crappy economy, that library budgets are being cut left and right, and that at least in this job I get to employ my html knowledge and learn other web skills. Plus, I've been trained in product photography so that I can take photos of our stock to put on the site - nice training to have.

2. Bestest and I are no longer in contact. We lived together during grad school, which turned out to be a mistake. I could write a novel about how sad this makes me, and how angry I still am. I'd seen her be pretty mean to other people, but I never thought that she'd do it to me. My willing blindness to this made grad school a pretty miserable year (with help from the actual library program, which was dissapointing. But hey, I've got a degree!). She's doing well though - she's got a job now that's at least tangentially related to libraries, and she's getting married next October. I wish her all the best.

3. My anxiety finally got so bad that I got back on medication. The conjunction of the Celexa, counseling, and my life finally settling down has allowed me to get a handle on the anxiety - I'm no longer in counseling, but know that I can go back anytime that I need to. It is such a profound relief - one that I need to be more grateful for in my day to day life. I'm so non-anxious that it takes a bad bout of anxiety to remind me how it used to be. I can forget about it for weeks at a time. That never would have happened before - my anxiety was such an overwhelming presence that it made itself known to me hourly.

4. I miss my family. The town to which I moved is a college town, very liberal with a healthy supply of hippies. I love the atmosphere, and the emphasis on local foods and sustainable living. It is, however, a pretty small town surrounded by miles and miles of farmland. It's great when the weather is nice - several nearby state parks, the community gardens that I'm active in, swimming holes, gorges, the best farmer's market that I've ever seen, etc. But when the weather turns cold, it is as depressing as hell. There's almost nothing to do that is a)outside of my apartment and b)indoors and c) doesn't involve buying something. (I'm sorry, "going to the mall" is not a day's activity for me. Do I need something? No? Then why am I going shopping?) It's times like this that I miss my family the most. And I still cry every time we leave them after a visit.

ARGH

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

That is all.

Happy

I'm pretty damn happy. The sun is shining, the weather is decidedly spring-like, and I stole the boy's shirt last night and slept in it. Now my arms smell like him. Mmm. Yay. I love dating someone who isn't dating someone else. This is working well for me.

Tags:

Day ?

Three days off in a row might be one too many for me. I find I start getting restless and lonely on my third day off. I want people to pay attention to me more. I get bored (I NEVER get bored, what is wrong with me?). It's not that I love my job. I just like getting out of the house and having somewhere to go. Which sounds kind of depressing, reading that back. Ugh. I know when I get a life again I'll be looking back at this free time with envy. I'm just going to have to re-read this and remind myself how miserable I was. It's good to keep some kind of record to remind your future self that moving forward is always the right choice.

Continue to make out with OOIL. Probably should stop. Having a grand time. Absolutely don't want to stop. Hormones fully in control. Feel like a teenager. Oy.

Day 26

Hmm. Well, I think my interview for the assistantship last week went pretty well. It was short, only about 15 minutes, and basically consisted of me talking and them making careful, neutral acknowledgments. I don't know when I'll know the results - I think I'll call today and find out. Today is officially "get stuff done, you lazy lazy slacker" day. Hooray.

Things with OOIL are spiraling out of control. Saturday night brought late night movie watching (V for Vendetta) and also very late night make-outs. The line is officially crossed. This makes me a terrible, horrible person.

But can I say, holy shit, it was good. I am astonishingly attracted to this guy. I wanted to spend the night. I actually wanted to sleep there. The only thing that stopped me was that, still living with my parents, they'd probably think I'd been horribly killed if I stayed out all night. Really, really need to move out asap.

So I'm stuck between extreme elation and extreme guilt. And what I really hate is that nothing is decided. I feel like I ought to value myself more than to commence in the make-outs with some guy who can't make any guarantees that we can date. That feels like bad decision central to me. However, that may be cultural conditioning. Society would have girls feel that they shouldn't bestow their "favors" on guys who aren't going to commit and treat them right. But that model of thinking relies on some ridiculous idea of "purity" and of girls giving away some of that purity by having any kind of physical relationship. (I am not even talking about sex right now.) Which is stupid. A girl can make out with a guy because she's attracted to him and it's fun for her. No shame in that. It still might be part of the bad decision making club, however. Ack.

Day 20

Hate that I'm falling off the journaling wagon. Hate waiting on schools to make up their fucking minds. Hate being stuck in this holding pattern. Hate waiting on stupid OOIL to make up his fucking mind. Really, really hate being thiiis close to what I want and not knowing if I'm going to be able to have it. I can't help but feel a little bit resentful.

In other news, St. Patrick's Day! I worked at the library today, and a regular patron made us a loaf of Irish Soda Bread with raisins and put it through the Drive-Up drawer, along with a stick of butter. It was awesome and delicious and a wonderful surprise. Then I went out with Bestest and our friend Laura to dinner and had delicious corned beef and beer. It was a great day, a great evening, and then a shitty night when I talked to OOIL. Won't know about him and his GF until after he gets back from Greece? That is a month away. If he's going to be cuddling with another girl (me) and talking about how much he likes her (and calling her hot), he needs to break up with his GF. This evaluation period is ridiculous. And I am being ridiculous and stupid for allowing myself to get this worked up about it and attached. I've put a stop to the cuddles - it was the right thing to do - but it sucks because I WANT it. I want all of it. And now I've had a little taste, and I feel addicted now. I'm attached. Dammit.

Day 18

I continue to be a member of the bad decision making club Argh.

It would be really helpful if I attempted to write in this before 1 a.m. some night. I shall make the attempt tomorrow, to document my activities in the bad decision making club. Ack. I swore, I SWORE I would never be this girl. And yet, I am only so repentant.

Day 17

Went to "Howl at the Moon" with the old gang from High school. Had a pretty good time. Then went out with OOIL. Had a pretty awkward time. More details to follow.

Day 16

Having been told by Michigan a week ago that they were giving me no money , I today got a call from them to set up a phone interview for the ULA assistantship position. On the one hand - hooray! On the other hand - wtf Michigan? You let me freak out about that for a week? I'm very happy to have made it to the interview stage. It's nice to have some good news.

Had some work issues today, despite not being scheduled to work today. One of the other receptionists warned me about the office manager, that she blames underlings for her mistakes. Well, that happened to me today, and I am pissed off about it. I'm going to have to work on my assertiveness skills and prove to her that I will not take this crap.

I'm actually working the next 4 days in a row, then have my ULA interview on Wednesday, working Thursday, seeing a movie at the film festival with OOIL on Friday (and later that night, BSG FINALE!!!), and working Saturday. If I'm not deceived, that sounds vaguely like having a life with responsibilities. Be still my beating heart. So shape up, self! It's all going to be ok.

Day 14

So, in talking to OOIL over AIM, I was just told the following:

OOIL: so the embarassing part is that i've made an effort to use the oxford comma with you since seeing it on your profile.

I don't think anyone has ever tried to woo me with grammar before. My geeky, grammar nerd heart is going pitter pat.